RAMBLING

July 22 2009

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 13:25:07 GMT

WTF am I doing here...

I Forgot...

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 21:23:54 GMT

How this thing works!!

O

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 14:59:53 GMT

WHY... IS IT ALL ABOUT THE ORGASM?

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 00:30:51 GMT

HAPPY BIRTH DAY AMY!!!

cab

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 01:37:10 GMT

Hello,
My nephew just left for Kiev. He's 17. Itinerary was some like... orlando to wash dc; to frankfort to kiev.. he lands in the ukraine at about 1 pm our time eastern... too cool ...
i need to get a freaking passport...
it's that or a boat .. but i just read about these modern day pirates that are fucking on that parade of circumnavigating the globe... not that i am a pussy... it's just that i am tired fo all the fighting and killing and shit... i don't want to kill nor be killed so just let me sail my freaking boat..
or the only other option is to throw that underground party... "amsterdam in o town"... just a weekend of music love and partying ..

just downloaded the new "train album" for my cool 10 yr old...

pat can rock ... it's pop rock to a point.. but hell i am there.. in his shoes any time...

Hola!

Fri, 13 Jan 2006 16:59:01 GMT

OK.
C'est MOI!
I am hear still reading all of you... wild wonderful people.
I am pretty good.
Separated still (not divorced) just hanging around and waiting for something to drop out of the sky and tell me what to REALLY DO. I am an aquarian and I can't make decisions.
I have alot of cash $. and have been spending it like a knucklehead.
no longer a homeowner after 11 years. renting .. a brand new apartment 2 bedrooms; 2 baths. and a garage.. for ME! and the lil red car!
i dig it. and it's nice to have it...

i splurged on a sony hd flat.. love it..
rooms to go living set!
a sirius s50 (radio will never be listened to again)
and a roland/boss 12 track digital recording studio.... awesome...

so... if you want to record sounds!!! or take advantage of me and/or my money.. hurry up! nothing lasts forever...

Feeling like a flintstone... without wilma

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 23:05:49 GMT

Still no power here! Day SIX! Generator hooked up to the computer.. and there is internet! WOW! IMagine that!!!What to do with it.. the internet... sillies
This place is a mess... power lines snapped... might be till thanksgiving before power is returned... i can't believe that.. just restless natives.. at least it is cool out! relatively speaking! how are you all?

The Labor of the Day...

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 20:17:48 GMT

Well,
"Dear Diary"... a Moody Blues song that i use to have echoing into my black and white checkered wall papered room when i was 6. Mom are Dad were always hip. 1970. You could literally stare at the squares and they would start darting and twisting. Probably a reason (or one) for my psychosis... arghhhh .. wait everybody.. " i am fine ".

So. Friends. My three. The big three. The great unknowns. My secret pals. Each wonderful, facinating, lovable, and just plain caring.

I write.
I apologize for not responding to your concerns and fears and torments and tribulations as a friend should. For not calling as a friend should. For not writing or signing in to get to you as quickly as a friend should.

But then, here we are accepted and here... to share.

The wreck of a rollercoaster for the past weeks has been unlike anything i have ever ever experienced.

I would like to make a few points clear and even though it tightens my chest at times and i lie awake in the middle of the night (as in every night) wondering where the fuck i went wrong... i will say this.

My marriage is over.

The pain for me associated with that is trememdous.
FOr what A lost love? a love lost?
Can i work harder for you? The incredible spin on this... is ...
I asked for it!
I got it! I wanted to be "let out of the box" she had me kept. I should have been elated! Free! WHEW WEE!
Then reality...
I ... lost lonely... scared... real scared... confused... desparate... i want to go home...
dammit.. the spinning hasn't stopped...

the point is .. again.. is that we... were unhealthy... together.. the 2 of us.
i honestly know i need this freedom for everyones sake including my daughters.

It is still scary... she is not accepting my offers of settlement thinking i am taking advantage and have more than what i am offering to give.

It is more than generous. Honestly. It is. Of course it may not be easy for her.
I cannot concern myself with her. I can't I do .. but i can't!! I am giveing her much more than she will get if she continues to fight a battle "i need more".
The is no more.. only less available. Honest. Read this!! The equity in the house is all there is to divide in your favor honey! The more we fight. the more equity is lost.
I will take it to the end with you knowing i will have perhaps nothing but...
you need to realize this.

Sat, 20 Aug 2005 14:12:30 GMT

I miss my life, wife. Terribly.

AMY!!!!

Mon, 08 Aug 2005 22:57:06 GMT

Happy Birthday AMY!
I wish you the best! the brightest! only good wonderful things!!!! May the GODS hear me and release the doves of .. ummm whatever that want to release...
good things!
...a distant friend whom I love!

I hope you are having a wonderful day!

Sunday Aug 7 2005

Sun, 07 Aug 2005 14:11:25 GMT

I am amazed and dazed by the ups and downs of my life as of this past 2 and a half months. I dread the thought that there are "miles to go before i sleep".

The Ballet

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 19:00:55 GMT

A romantic evening is set...
the performance @ 7 pm of "giselle"...

My date?

My 10 year old daughter.

Ah... life.

One day.

Tomorrow.

All is good.

Peaceful for the moment.

One tiny step at a time.

Sat, 16 Jul 2005 12:21:12 GMT

only slept 2 hours
i am a mess
i am sick of getting advice
i am sick of all of this
i am up one day
i am real low the next for 2 to 3 days
i am not sure of my attorney
i am in need of a good one
i am not sure i am capable of handling this
i am thinking at times everyone is sorry for me
i am there for sorry for me
i am wanting advice
i am sick of getting advice
i am scared
i am upset
i am ... alone

if i am... then i want to leave... pack up and go

i tell myself take a deep breath and say it is just a phase
i tell myself to take it one day at a time
i tell myself i am not alone

pull yourself together

this is hard...

So much for...

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 17:56:53 GMT

The amicable departure of a decade...
I am down.. i was summoned with papers yesterday... we are NOT mediating a divorce...
it's ok i keep telling myself... adn try focus on business etc... i get side tracked adn figure i should post it in here to reflect in the years ahead when i get my new life in order... right?
the tunnel looks dim right now... narrow and as recent things have gone...
my swings in mood are rather extreme.. there fore i figure it best to lay low..
and just...
well i would not say wallow .. but try to focus on just me.. and Annique.. i don't know, could just be the day....
love & health to everyone!

the day..

Sun, 03 Jul 2005 22:11:38 GMT

This move is exhausting.. but needed in more respect than i probably know..
here here is what did today...BEFORE

AFTER

hOPE IT WORKED I AM OUT OF PRACTICE!

p 123 and update

Sun, 03 Jul 2005 14:07:40 GMT

Ned knew that she and the young man had begun courting, and he believed her tears must have resulted from something he had said or done.

basically over my 2.5 week long "summer" cold...

alone for the holiday week end... i don't mind all in all ... except if i do see fireworks... i would have like to be able to hold my little girl close when she ducks her head... ahh sucks...

the office move has begun... Boca Raton... eh...??? It has a better sounding ring to it when you are dealing with developers... i am getting ready to leave to put up a huge mural in my office (the new one with the actual door!) post it later!

Now come on everyone! Let's develop that land!!!
Bulldoze those trees...
dig them lakes deep using Carmen's Gigantic Trucks :-) ...
so i can drop pretty fountains in them for the throngs of humans to enjoy!

cynical steve

just have to remember that brighter days are around the corner... the month of june was not one to remember.

page 123

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 03:03:49 GMT

so i am just surfing the blogs of strangers; reading ; trying to amuse myself...
i find this one
find a book the 1st one you see...
dont be selective.. the 1st one ...
go to page 123
take the 5th sentence... and write it.

this book is in on a shelf .. guest room at Moms house

sidney sheldon .. are you afraid of the dark
"I'll make sure everything is alright when you come back."

ok

but i am not coming back... it's over... i am in pain but my life married is over.

of course i am haunted.

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 13:24:54 GMT

Tough weekend for the most part...

i got the love of my daughter and was very happy...
it just hurts to see her hurt and i want her happy more than anything...
thus.. the reflections...

how do you move on? you just do.. i am telling myself that and this...

my soon to be ex .. is switching gears from the "whatever is best for our daughter" to ...
the " I hope your happy being single and breaking up this family". "i am praying for you" etc! etc.

it sucks...
i am not happy...

What do I call this?

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 20:26:52 GMT

Well. Live Journal...
maybe this is a good place to let it all go... just dump my thoughts and feelings out to the world in a form of somewhat anonymity... i do believe my another chapter of my life is coming to an end... we are separated and my soon to be ex wife would like this to over as quickly as possible... definitely by the end of the summer ... she is being extremely cooperative and i guess i should consider myself blessed for her wanting nothing other than the dual ownership of our wonderful sweet innocent daughter...
i am nauseous on and off nad had an extremely hard week end with Annique... we cried together off and on the whole time...
I promised her that i would not do anything with out her consent... i am looking for a 2 bedroom flat now... and one room will be hers to do whatever she wants with in reason as far as decorating... she seems excited with tremendous reservation and dislike of the situation... and i am thankful at least that we can talk and want to talk more and more.. i just feel on the outside as in right now... cause i am .. in a sense...
the grass on the other side at this moment looks .... brown...
i don't want to date... play the games.... etc.
although a distracting encounter is something i feel like i may have to entitle myself to... shit...

so live journal... maybe this is really what this is all about .. a place to let it all go...
i'm ok ... at least i keep telling myself.. as of late...

12 Noon

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 17:53:18 GMT

My wife just told me to come get my things..
said she would be out adn i could come by..

said she wanted this to be as amicable for our daughter as possible

i got there...
she was there...

i just took some clothes...

My family and friends are freaking out saying i had better be careful or she'll change the locks and call it desertion...

Hmmmm... maybe? i am not deserting anyone...
do i need to actually get a lawyer?

Sponge!

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 11:10:53 GMT

Me.
I am going and going...
We are relocating our office to lovely Boca Raton July 1.
I say that BR with reservation... to be determined the lovliness.

How ever, I am excited beyond because i will h ave one thing... A door with 4 walls all to my self... i wonder if it locks?
I feel like a kid... now only where to put the black light, hang the disco ball, sex harness... well ok i thought it at least...

It's 10 minutes closer to my house;
It may not be my house for too much longer... the kettle is boiling and i have been sleeping on the couch...
the whole thing makes me incredibly nervous..
it's very serious in my life... and i am trying not to make a mistake thus inaction...

i am regressing and wondering if i am having a mid life... what ever th efuck that migh be..

Net flix... the way to go...
i have this film

Title ..
DIG!

a documentary about two bands from the west coast...
Dandy Warhols and Brian Jonestown Massacre.

the fllm Rocked! maybe it was just my mood, but i loved it.. was rivoted to the screen and totally absorbed.
I love it when a something does that to me..

some of you... out here do that to me... simply sponge me!

Post

Fri, 20 May 2005 21:07:36 GMT

Yes, I have one of these too.

So, I am just frusterated to say the least. I guess.
Just feel spent.
Work...
Not enough distractions to pull me and it's best cause the load at the office would only suffer and it would all just fall into place on me causing for additional sufferage.

Things that bother me:

I am pissed that Pepsi is no longer doing the Ipod thing. It was my way of downloading free music and knowing the LAW wasn't gonna come for me. I am a stock holder too. 18 fucking shares. oKAy??? I really think I prefer the taste of Coke. but I waffle like every thing else in my aquarian life.

My daughter (Age 9) is apparently not happy that I play Poker. She makes me feel exactly the way I did not want to feel. As if I have a problem. I play way too much in her eyes and that is not good. But where is the compromise? I do not enjoy getting home from a hard day at work and sitting in a lazy boy recliner with a remote in hand and ask not to be disturbed while "The Shite on the tele" glares and blares.

I go out 2 nights , sometimes three. To play in the Poker Tour. It's fun, free, and for the 1st time in a long time I like doing something for just me. (as in hobby)

Parents, friends, etc. are telling me that it's just me the way I do anything that catches my interest. Go full throttle with passion thinking with the dedication I put so heavily into it will result in a championship!!! Only to burn out in the months ahead.

Well.
Fuckin EH! like def leppard said in 1984... or there abouts...
"it's better to burn out.. than fade away!!"

So this the goes to the continuation of married life and the lack ther of...
Took the lil lady to the Four Seasons Miami a couple weeks ago...
Nice wonderful week-end escape.
we bonded to a point of the remembering the days of "just us".
but it soon was lost on the drive home and reality set in...

still... doing the imago therapy and trying to talk but i am struggling with the counselor as to the point of even though you talk and can respect a point of view...
can it not still be skewed in a complete opposite direction from yours to where you are turning over in the middle of the night saying ...
to myself " i have to get out of here ""

Time.

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 14:10:21 GMT

It seems I have some. Alone. Able and willing.

Time... doors.
Opening and closing opportunities.

Opportunity... Chance Fate

I don't know what I am doing as of late.

My car is basically sitting. (It's a cool weather car)
I love her. She just needs my attention right now and there is too much clutter around her to get to her.
So even that is a form of procrastination.

Again. It falls into the "where am I"?

Perfect World... I have a loaded auto garage set just for her and I can leave the unpacked project just where I want it andnot have to put stuff away on someone elses demand or request.
Selfish? Fuck yes!

So... I go to this music store a month ago, picking up sheet music etc for wife...

I of course grab my kid and show her the cool area... the guitars and pick up just about every axe in reach
and show here the different styles and sounds of again a collection of things I would love to adorn my bedroom.

The sales rep comes over when weget to the electrics...
He shows me this new amp..
Fender G-DEC... I plug in.. this thing is cool as shit!
Where was this when I was a Kid???

"How much"? I ask.
" $270.00 "
"I'll take it."

My wife goes nuts!
I feel guilty.
But I like it!

So now yesterday, I go back to the same store and buy a MIDI interface to get my stuff out of my gear onto my computer and then onto disc and then out to the public where i will finally be recognized as the lost artist whose time has yet to come.

But the freaking work to get there...

I want to be a sound enginneer. a rock star. a professional golfer. a professional gambler. the best fountain builder in the world. an amazing lover. a good person. and just all around friend to the world

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 03:49:57 GMT

i bumped elbows with Zach Thomas today. Literally.
He said he hadn't washed his hands to this guy sitting next to me and it was some sort of...
more in a minute... or ten

The TAXED Extension

Sun, 17 Apr 2005 18:32:21 GMT

Sunday...
2 30 P>M.
down to the skivveys... and hangin out!