RAMBLING

WTF am I doing here...

How this thing works!!

WHY... IS IT ALL ABOUT THE ORGASM?

HAPPY BIRTH DAY AMY!!!

Hello,
My nephew just left for Kiev. He's 17. Itinerary was some like... orlando to wash dc; to frankfort to kiev.. he lands in the ukraine at about 1 pm our time eastern... too cool ...
i need to get a freaking passport...
it's that or a boat .. but i just read about these modern day pirates that are fucking on that parade of circumnavigating the globe... not that i am a pussy... it's just that i am tired fo all the fighting and killing and shit... i don't want to kill nor be killed so just let me sail my freaking boat..
or the only other option is to throw that underground party... "amsterdam in o town"... just a weekend of music love and partying ..

just downloaded the new "train album" for my cool 10 yr old...

pat can rock ... it's pop rock to a point.. but hell i am there.. in his shoes any time...

OK.
C'est MOI!
I am hear still reading all of you... wild wonderful people.
I am pretty good.
Separated still (not divorced) just hanging around and waiting for something to drop out of the sky and tell me what to REALLY DO. I am an aquarian and I can't make decisions.
I have alot of cash $. and have been spending it like a knucklehead.
no longer a homeowner after 11 years. renting .. a brand new apartment 2 bedrooms; 2 baths. and a garage.. for ME! and the lil red car!
i dig it. and it's nice to have it...

i splurged on a sony hd flat.. love it..
rooms to go living set!
a sirius s50 (radio will never be listened to again)
and a roland/boss 12 track digital recording studio.... awesome...


so... if you want to record sounds!!! or take advantage of me and/or my money.. hurry up! nothing lasts forever...

Still no power here! Day SIX! Generator hooked up to the computer.. and there is internet! WOW! IMagine that!!!What to do with it.. the internet... sillies
This place is a mess... power lines snapped... might be till thanksgiving before power is returned... i can't believe that.. just restless natives.. at least it is cool out! relatively speaking! how are you all?

Well,
"Dear Diary"... a Moody Blues song that i use to have echoing into my black and white checkered wall papered room when i was 6. Mom are Dad were always hip. 1970. You could literally stare at the squares and they would start darting and twisting. Probably a reason (or one) for my psychosis... arghhhh .. wait everybody.. " i am fine ".

So. Friends. My three. The big three. The great unknowns. My secret pals. Each wonderful, facinating, lovable, and just plain caring.

I write.
I apologize for not responding to your concerns and fears and torments and tribulations as a friend should. For not calling as a friend should. For not writing or signing in to get to you as quickly as a friend should.

But then, here we are accepted and here... to share.

The wreck of a rollercoaster for the past weeks has been unlike anything i have ever ever experienced.

I would like to make a few points clear and even though it tightens my chest at times and i lie awake in the middle of the night (as in every night) wondering where the fuck i went wrong... i will say this.

My marriage is over.

The pain for me associated with that is trememdous.
FOr what A lost love? a love lost?
Can i work harder for you? The incredible spin on this... is ...
I asked for it!
I got it! I wanted to be "let out of the box" she had me kept. I should have been elated! Free! WHEW WEE!
Then reality...
I ... lost lonely... scared... real scared... confused... desparate... i want to go home...
dammit.. the spinning hasn't stopped...

the point is .. again.. is that we... were unhealthy... together.. the 2 of us.
i honestly know i need this freedom for everyones sake including my daughters.

It is still scary... she is not accepting my offers of settlement thinking i am taking advantage and have more than what i am offering to give.

It is more than generous. Honestly. It is. Of course it may not be easy for her.
I cannot concern myself with her. I can't I do .. but i can't!! I am giveing her much more than she will get if she continues to fight a battle "i need more".
The is no more.. only less available. Honest. Read this!! The equity in the house is all there is to divide in your favor honey! The more we fight. the more equity is lost.
I will take it to the end with you knowing i will have perhaps nothing but...
you need to realize this.

I miss my life, wife. Terribly.

Happy Birthday AMY!
I wish you the best! the brightest! only good wonderful things!!!! May the GODS hear me and release the doves of .. ummm whatever that want to release...
good things!
...a distant friend whom I love!

I hope you are having a wonderful day!

I am amazed and dazed by the ups and downs of my life as of this past 2 and a half months. I dread the thought that there are "miles to go before i sleep".

A romantic evening is set...
the performance @ 7 pm of "giselle"...

My date?

My 10 year old daughter.

Ah... life.

One day.

Tomorrow.

All is good.

Peaceful for the moment.

One tiny step at a time.

only slept 2 hours
i am a mess
i am sick of getting advice
i am sick of all of this
i am up one day
i am real low the next for 2 to 3 days
i am not sure of my attorney
i am in need of a good one
i am not sure i am capable of handling this
i am thinking at times everyone is sorry for me
i am there for sorry for me
i am wanting advice
i am sick of getting advice
i am scared
i am upset
i am ... alone

if i am... then i want to leave... pack up and go

i tell myself take a deep breath and say it is just a phase
i tell myself to take it one day at a time
i tell myself i am not alone

pull yourself together

this is hard...

The amicable departure of a decade...
I am down.. i was summoned with papers yesterday... we are NOT mediating a divorce...
it's ok i keep telling myself... adn try focus on business etc... i get side tracked adn figure i should post it in here to reflect in the years ahead when i get my new life in order... right?
the tunnel looks dim right now... narrow and as recent things have gone...
my swings in mood are rather extreme.. there fore i figure it best to lay low..
and just...
well i would not say wallow .. but try to focus on just me.. and Annique.. i don't know, could just be the day....
love & health to everyone!

This move is exhausting.. but needed in more respect than i probably know..
here here is what did today...BEFORE






AFTER





hOPE IT WORKED I AM OUT OF PRACTICE!

Ned knew that she and the young man had begun courting, and he believed her tears must have resulted from something he had said or done.

basically over my 2.5 week long "summer" cold...

alone for the holiday week end... i don't mind all in all ... except if i do see fireworks... i would have like to be able to hold my little girl close when she ducks her head... ahh sucks...

the office move has begun... Boca Raton... eh...??? It has a better sounding ring to it when you are dealing with developers... i am getting ready to leave to put up a huge mural in my office (the new one with the actual door!) post it later!

Now come on everyone! Let's develop that land!!!
Bulldoze those trees...
dig them lakes deep using Carmen's Gigantic Trucks :-) ...
so i can drop pretty fountains in them for the throngs of humans to enjoy!

cynical steve


just have to remember that brighter days are around the corner... the month of june was not one to remember.

so i am just surfing the blogs of strangers; reading ; trying to amuse myself...
i find this one
find a book the 1st one you see...
dont be selective.. the 1st one ...
go to page 123
take the 5th sentence... and write it.

this book is in on a shelf .. guest room at Moms house

sidney sheldon .. are you afraid of the dark
"I'll make sure everything is alright when you come back."

ok

but i am not coming back... it's over... i am in pain but my life married is over.

of course i am haunted.

Tough weekend for the most part...

i got the love of my daughter and was very happy...
it just hurts to see her hurt and i want her happy more than anything...
thus.. the reflections...

how do you move on? you just do.. i am telling myself that and this...

my soon to be ex .. is switching gears from the "whatever is best for our daughter" to ...
the " I hope your happy being single and breaking up this family". "i am praying for you" etc! etc.

it sucks...
i am not happy...

Well. Live Journal...
maybe this is a good place to let it all go... just dump my thoughts and feelings out to the world in a form of somewhat anonymity... i do believe my another chapter of my life is coming to an end... we are separated and my soon to be ex wife would like this to over as quickly as possible... definitely by the end of the summer ... she is being extremely cooperative and i guess i should consider myself blessed for her wanting nothing other than the dual ownership of our wonderful sweet innocent daughter...
i am nauseous on and off nad had an extremely hard week end with Annique... we cried together off and on the whole time...
I promised her that i would not do anything with out her consent... i am looking for a 2 bedroom flat now... and one room will be hers to do whatever she wants with in reason as far as decorating... she seems excited with tremendous reservation and dislike of the situation... and i am thankful at least that we can talk and want to talk more and more.. i just feel on the outside as in right now... cause i am .. in a sense...
the grass on the other side at this moment looks .... brown...
i don't want to date... play the games.... etc.
although a distracting encounter is something i feel like i may have to entitle myself to... shit...

so live journal... maybe this is really what this is all about .. a place to let it all go...
i'm ok ... at least i keep telling myself.. as of late...

My wife just told me to come get my things..
said she would be out adn i could come by..

said she wanted this to be as amicable for our daughter as possible

i got there...
she was there...

i just took some clothes...

My family and friends are freaking out saying i had better be careful or she'll change the locks and call it desertion...

Hmmmm... maybe? i am not deserting anyone...
do i need to actually get a lawyer?